November - Two Year Update

I cannot believe as I write this that two years ago, my little boy wasn't even here.  I didn't know anything about what was to come and was starting to get a little impatient about getting that baby out.  My original due date was 22nd November but I would have to wait another 8 days for Mr Flynn to make an appearance.

The first 9/10 months were tough for me.  I had never factored in that I might be unwell for so long.  I returned to work 11 months after having Flynn and had just got used to having no pain which was great.  What I hadn't realised was that the physicality of my commute (14 flights of stairs a day when changing trains/tubes) would bring my pain-free days to an end.

As a Mum, I was used to strolling through the park with the pram, walking at my own relaxed pace.  I was also used to using the car a lot and probably not walking long distances.  I certainly hadn't done many stairs - it was all lifts now I had a pram on the go - that's the joy of living in a bungalow!  So when I went back to the frantic pace of commuting into London from Surrey, I was surprised that my body wasn't quite ready (in more ways than one).  I was in pain by the end of the day and for the first few weeks had to go back to using coconut oil again while my body re-adjusted once again.

What it made me realise is that occasionally I might have a bit of pain every now and again, but it's not forever.  I still have times occasionally where I have the odd pang of pain but nothing like those early days after having Flynn.

He's totally worth it...

September - 10 month update - Skinny jeans

I bet after the August update you didn't think there would be another but there is.  My journey didn't quite end in August, it actually finished in September.  I was still under the physio until the end of the month with one final appointment left.  It was the quickest appointment I've had related to my tear.  I was happy.  She was happy.  I answered the "any (toilet) problems" question AGAIN.  I'm pretty sure if I did have any of those problems I wouldn't wait until I was asked about them.  Anyway, she discharged me so now I am finally done with everything.

In the nicest way, I hope I never see any of those consultants, doctors, nurses, midwives or physios again.  Of course, if I have another baby I will be referred back to my consultant as they'll want to keep an eye on me and make sure I have a C-section.  Whether I'll have another I don't know.  It's nice to know that I won't go through a third degree tear again but a C-section is still major surgery so I still expect to have 6 weeks recovery time.  It wouldn't be easy although recovery time would be much shorter than this time round.  There's a lot to consider.  In any case, for now, I'm happy to concentrate on being a fully healed "normal" Mum for now.

We had our first proper family holiday this month.  Myself, Mr T and Flynn.  We had a lovely week up in Derbyshire with proper family time and lots of fun and firsts for Flynn.  I wore skinny jeans several days in a row and barely noticed.  How things have changed.

August - 9 month update - Discharge (not that kind)

Here I am.  Sitting in the hospital again, waiting for what may be my last appointment with the consultant.  I really hope so.  It's been a long 9 months but here I am.  I am back at the hospital where I had Flynn.  I'm sat in the same chair in the same waiting room where I sat with Flynn in his car seat ready to go home for the first time.  We've both come a long way since then.  Flynn can sit, smile, clap, high-5 and crawl.  I can also sit now.  This chair is much more comfortable 9 months on.

The consultant is running an hour behind and so I sit and wait.  I'm surrounded by new Mums and expected Mums.  Pregnant ladies with their brand new maternity notes folder with all this ahead of them.  I hope they don't go through what I did.

My name is called and it's time.  The consultant apologies at length but really I just want her to crack on with it.  Finally she does.  She has my scan results and feedback from my physio.  It all looks good.  I once again have to answer the question "have you had any (toilet) problems?  Accidents?".  And for the thousandth time I answer no.  "Well then I think we can discharge you".

Who'd have thought that the word "discharge" could bring so much joy to someone.

I am elated.  I feel I can carry on with life as a Mum now and finally put the birth experience behind me.  I look forward to it becoming a dim and distant memory - just like labour now is.  It's funny reading back some of the earlier stuff on the blog.  I was pretty traumatised by what happened to me but I tried to put a brave face on it as that's what we do.  Writing this has helped process it all and it's nice to be at this end of it now.

Of course, I'll still continue to do my pelvic floor exercises.  I'll be doing them for the rest of my life in fear of incontinence.  It's recommended anyway that you do regular exercise of the pelvic floor muscles.  Like all muscles they need exercise to work well so you should maintain regular exercise throughout life not just if you've had a child.  But hey, that's any easy task to do.  It takes 5 minutes before bed each evening and will be more than worth it in the long run.  I've spent enough money on maternity pads and sanitary towels since having Flynn, I won't want to spend money in the future on Tena Lady.

And on that note, I end this months blog!

July - 8 month update - Big Brother is watching

Back to the physio this month to see how I'm improving.

Everytime I lay on a table with various medics examining me "down there" I always joke "who would have a baby?!'  But the thing is you don't know about all this stuff before you have one.  No-one talks about it.  I see why.  If everyone knew maybe people would stop having babies.  Sure, you know everyone is going to be down at the business end when you are in labour and you know the world and his wife will see you breastfeeding but it's checking on stitches etc that I hadn't expected.  The good thing is that post-birth, you sort of don't care anymore.  Everyone has seen it and if they haven't they've seen a million people like you before.  Nothing shocks them.  After my surgery post-birth, I had several staff members look at the surgeons work, turn their heads to one side in unison and then all agree he'd done a good job.  Talk about surreal moments!

Anyway, I was at the physio and she was checking on my pelvic floor which I'd been working on and it all felt surreal.  I'd taken Flynn with me and he was fast asleep in his pram.  There I am half naked, with a random woman examining me.  There is a reason children don't have any really early memories - Flynn would be damaged for life.  He woke up during my examination but didn't seem flustered.  So I lay there talking to him whilst doing pelvic floors - all in a days work for a multitasking Mum!

The good news is that the physio said I'm showing improvement.  Thank goodness!  It's taken long enough.  I just need to keep going and do 10 long exercises (10 seconds) and 10 short every night.  Perfectly doable.

June - 7 month update - can I have a drum roll please...

So I've been working hard on my pelvic floors with the physio and using the coconut oil which all seems to be going well.  I have days now where I forget about it all and that's really nice (until the evening when I have to do exercises etc).

But all this may be for nothing if I have to have more surgery.  I'd be right back to square one again.  Mr T and I have a gut feeling that I won't.  Im not in pain and I'm having no (toilet) accidents - all good signs right?

All these thoughts flooded through my head as I sat in the hospital waiting for my scan.  I didn't know what to expect, what the results would be or when I would get them.  I saw a lovely doctor who put me right at ease.  Well, as at ease as you can be when confronted by the scanner she was going to put up "there".  She said "this will take about a minute".  I took her at her word and begin to count.  If she ran a second over I would not be impressed.  True to her word it was less than a minute and although uncomfortable wasn't actually painful.

I got myself dressed and she immediately began to talk me through what she had seen.  She pulled out a diagram - never a good sign in my books - and told me I did have some damage at "2 o'clock" but with good pelvic floor I could avoid any problems in future.  "So no surgery?" I asked.  She said no!  She said further surgery could actually make it worse but I would have to have a C-section if and when I had another child.  I could have hugged her.  If I do have another child I certainly wouldn't want to be worried about all this happening again.  She suggested I wait another couple of months before I went ahead with another pregnancy?  Had she read my notes??!!  "I'm only just getting over this one, I have no plans for another".  And with a very big thank you for the good news I left.  Having had potential surgery hanging over me since January it was good to know that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

May - 6 month update - Pain free?

A few months ago, I didn't think this day would come.

I have had a run of several days with no pain.  No pain at all!  Not a slight twitch, nothing!  I didn't think that would ever be possible again.

It's now hard to remember what those early months were like when every movement caused pain.  When, by the end of the day I couldn't walk as it hurt so much.  How far I've come.  The human body is amazing really.  The human brain might be the most amazing as those early months are a blur to me in the same way that labour is.  It's probably for the best.

I'm still being careful.  Not going overboard on lots of walking or activities that might make things uncomfortable again but I think I can start relaxing about that now.  I may soon be able to wear skinny jeans!

Part of this is due to time and healing but the rest is thanks to my physiotherapist.  I had my first visit to see her.  She assessed that my pelvic floor was still, in fact, very weak (so all the work I had done hadn't paid off).  Apparently it's better to do a few good quality exercises rather than try and do loads during the day when my mind would be concentrating on doing other things e.g. feeding Flynn.  It would also be better to do them lying down.  We practiced some whilst I was there so she could feel I was doing them correctly.  It turns out what I had been doing was too much and I needed to be much more relaxed.

She also advised that I start using coconut oil on my scar to help with the pain and it really has helped.  Rubbing coconut oil on there every night has helped it feel less tight and uncomfortable there thus the pain free days.  Sure, it feels a bit weird but if she'd have suggested I eat 100 coconuts to make the pain go away I would have done it.

April - 5 month update - Drug free!

This month has been an appointment free month which is nice.  That makes me feel more normal.   It's annoying either having to ferry Flynn to appointments with me or to arrange childcare.  I don't like having him at hospitals unnecessarily.  I worry he'll pick something up there.

So I'm working on my pelvic floor in anticipation of my physio session.  I figure if I do some every time I feed Flynn then I'm going to be doing them 6 times a day.  They say try and do them when you're doing something else so you remember.  I'm trying my best in the hope that I will have improved by the time I see the physio.

Pain-wise, it's manageable and I'm off the painkillers now.  I'm no longer living in fear of becoming caffeine addicted Jesse from Saved by the Bell.  I'm back to my drug free Jesse self (with less hair).  I can stop buying a couple of packets of paracetamol every time I go through the checkout at Aldi on my regular nappy runs.

I've also finally done something I thought I would have done sooner.  I've packed away all my maternity clothes and the big post-pregnancy knickers.  Finally, I have my old wardrobe back which sort of feels like my new wardrobe as it's been so long since I wore my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I'm still avoiding the skinny jeans for now but at least I'm no longer in "Bloomin' marvellous" leggings anymore.  I'm not quite back in the shape that I was pre-pregnancy but do you know what, I had a baby and a third degree tear - I needed cake and chocolate.  I had both (plus my high fibre diet of course) and it made me happy.  I'm in no rush to get on a diet or anything - there are more important things right now.