November - Two Year Update

I cannot believe as I write this that two years ago, my little boy wasn't even here.  I didn't know anything about what was to come and was starting to get a little impatient about getting that baby out.  My original due date was 22nd November but I would have to wait another 8 days for Mr Flynn to make an appearance.

The first 9/10 months were tough for me.  I had never factored in that I might be unwell for so long.  I returned to work 11 months after having Flynn and had just got used to having no pain which was great.  What I hadn't realised was that the physicality of my commute (14 flights of stairs a day when changing trains/tubes) would bring my pain-free days to an end.

As a Mum, I was used to strolling through the park with the pram, walking at my own relaxed pace.  I was also used to using the car a lot and probably not walking long distances.  I certainly hadn't done many stairs - it was all lifts now I had a pram on the go - that's the joy of living in a bungalow!  So when I went back to the frantic pace of commuting into London from Surrey, I was surprised that my body wasn't quite ready (in more ways than one).  I was in pain by the end of the day and for the first few weeks had to go back to using coconut oil again while my body re-adjusted once again.

What it made me realise is that occasionally I might have a bit of pain every now and again, but it's not forever.  I still have times occasionally where I have the odd pang of pain but nothing like those early days after having Flynn.

He's totally worth it...

September - 10 month update - Skinny jeans

I bet after the August update you didn't think there would be another but there is.  My journey didn't quite end in August, it actually finished in September.  I was still under the physio until the end of the month with one final appointment left.  It was the quickest appointment I've had related to my tear.  I was happy.  She was happy.  I answered the "any (toilet) problems" question AGAIN.  I'm pretty sure if I did have any of those problems I wouldn't wait until I was asked about them.  Anyway, she discharged me so now I am finally done with everything.

In the nicest way, I hope I never see any of those consultants, doctors, nurses, midwives or physios again.  Of course, if I have another baby I will be referred back to my consultant as they'll want to keep an eye on me and make sure I have a C-section.  Whether I'll have another I don't know.  It's nice to know that I won't go through a third degree tear again but a C-section is still major surgery so I still expect to have 6 weeks recovery time.  It wouldn't be easy although recovery time would be much shorter than this time round.  There's a lot to consider.  In any case, for now, I'm happy to concentrate on being a fully healed "normal" Mum for now.

We had our first proper family holiday this month.  Myself, Mr T and Flynn.  We had a lovely week up in Derbyshire with proper family time and lots of fun and firsts for Flynn.  I wore skinny jeans several days in a row and barely noticed.  How things have changed.

August - 9 month update - Discharge (not that kind)

Here I am.  Sitting in the hospital again, waiting for what may be my last appointment with the consultant.  I really hope so.  It's been a long 9 months but here I am.  I am back at the hospital where I had Flynn.  I'm sat in the same chair in the same waiting room where I sat with Flynn in his car seat ready to go home for the first time.  We've both come a long way since then.  Flynn can sit, smile, clap, high-5 and crawl.  I can also sit now.  This chair is much more comfortable 9 months on.

The consultant is running an hour behind and so I sit and wait.  I'm surrounded by new Mums and expected Mums.  Pregnant ladies with their brand new maternity notes folder with all this ahead of them.  I hope they don't go through what I did.

My name is called and it's time.  The consultant apologies at length but really I just want her to crack on with it.  Finally she does.  She has my scan results and feedback from my physio.  It all looks good.  I once again have to answer the question "have you had any (toilet) problems?  Accidents?".  And for the thousandth time I answer no.  "Well then I think we can discharge you".

Who'd have thought that the word "discharge" could bring so much joy to someone.

I am elated.  I feel I can carry on with life as a Mum now and finally put the birth experience behind me.  I look forward to it becoming a dim and distant memory - just like labour now is.  It's funny reading back some of the earlier stuff on the blog.  I was pretty traumatised by what happened to me but I tried to put a brave face on it as that's what we do.  Writing this has helped process it all and it's nice to be at this end of it now.

Of course, I'll still continue to do my pelvic floor exercises.  I'll be doing them for the rest of my life in fear of incontinence.  It's recommended anyway that you do regular exercise of the pelvic floor muscles.  Like all muscles they need exercise to work well so you should maintain regular exercise throughout life not just if you've had a child.  But hey, that's any easy task to do.  It takes 5 minutes before bed each evening and will be more than worth it in the long run.  I've spent enough money on maternity pads and sanitary towels since having Flynn, I won't want to spend money in the future on Tena Lady.

And on that note, I end this months blog!

July - 8 month update - Big Brother is watching

Back to the physio this month to see how I'm improving.

Everytime I lay on a table with various medics examining me "down there" I always joke "who would have a baby?!'  But the thing is you don't know about all this stuff before you have one.  No-one talks about it.  I see why.  If everyone knew maybe people would stop having babies.  Sure, you know everyone is going to be down at the business end when you are in labour and you know the world and his wife will see you breastfeeding but it's checking on stitches etc that I hadn't expected.  The good thing is that post-birth, you sort of don't care anymore.  Everyone has seen it and if they haven't they've seen a million people like you before.  Nothing shocks them.  After my surgery post-birth, I had several staff members look at the surgeons work, turn their heads to one side in unison and then all agree he'd done a good job.  Talk about surreal moments!

Anyway, I was at the physio and she was checking on my pelvic floor which I'd been working on and it all felt surreal.  I'd taken Flynn with me and he was fast asleep in his pram.  There I am half naked, with a random woman examining me.  There is a reason children don't have any really early memories - Flynn would be damaged for life.  He woke up during my examination but didn't seem flustered.  So I lay there talking to him whilst doing pelvic floors - all in a days work for a multitasking Mum!

The good news is that the physio said I'm showing improvement.  Thank goodness!  It's taken long enough.  I just need to keep going and do 10 long exercises (10 seconds) and 10 short every night.  Perfectly doable.

June - 7 month update - can I have a drum roll please...

So I've been working hard on my pelvic floors with the physio and using the coconut oil which all seems to be going well.  I have days now where I forget about it all and that's really nice (until the evening when I have to do exercises etc).

But all this may be for nothing if I have to have more surgery.  I'd be right back to square one again.  Mr T and I have a gut feeling that I won't.  Im not in pain and I'm having no (toilet) accidents - all good signs right?

All these thoughts flooded through my head as I sat in the hospital waiting for my scan.  I didn't know what to expect, what the results would be or when I would get them.  I saw a lovely doctor who put me right at ease.  Well, as at ease as you can be when confronted by the scanner she was going to put up "there".  She said "this will take about a minute".  I took her at her word and begin to count.  If she ran a second over I would not be impressed.  True to her word it was less than a minute and although uncomfortable wasn't actually painful.

I got myself dressed and she immediately began to talk me through what she had seen.  She pulled out a diagram - never a good sign in my books - and told me I did have some damage at "2 o'clock" but with good pelvic floor I could avoid any problems in future.  "So no surgery?" I asked.  She said no!  She said further surgery could actually make it worse but I would have to have a C-section if and when I had another child.  I could have hugged her.  If I do have another child I certainly wouldn't want to be worried about all this happening again.  She suggested I wait another couple of months before I went ahead with another pregnancy?  Had she read my notes??!!  "I'm only just getting over this one, I have no plans for another".  And with a very big thank you for the good news I left.  Having had potential surgery hanging over me since January it was good to know that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

April - 5 month update - Drug free!

This month has been an appointment free month which is nice.  That makes me feel more normal.   It's annoying either having to ferry Flynn to appointments with me or to arrange childcare.  I don't like having him at hospitals unnecessarily.  I worry he'll pick something up there.

So I'm working on my pelvic floor in anticipation of my physio session.  I figure if I do some every time I feed Flynn then I'm going to be doing them 6 times a day.  They say try and do them when you're doing something else so you remember.  I'm trying my best in the hope that I will have improved by the time I see the physio.

Pain-wise, it's manageable and I'm off the painkillers now.  I'm no longer living in fear of becoming caffeine addicted Jesse from Saved by the Bell.  I'm back to my drug free Jesse self (with less hair).  I can stop buying a couple of packets of paracetamol every time I go through the checkout at Aldi on my regular nappy runs.

I've also finally done something I thought I would have done sooner.  I've packed away all my maternity clothes and the big post-pregnancy knickers.  Finally, I have my old wardrobe back which sort of feels like my new wardrobe as it's been so long since I wore my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I'm still avoiding the skinny jeans for now but at least I'm no longer in "Bloomin' marvellous" leggings anymore.  I'm not quite back in the shape that I was pre-pregnancy but do you know what, I had a baby and a third degree tear - I needed cake and chocolate.  I had both (plus my high fibre diet of course) and it made me happy.  I'm in no rush to get on a diet or anything - there are more important things right now.

March - 4 month update - There's a light at the end of the tunnel..

No longer do I fear becoming a drug addict.  I've slowly started to cut down on the pain killers.  It's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago that just wasn't possible.  I'm having less in the daytime and then a normal amount in the evening as that's when the pain is at it's worst.

I am not constantly in pain.  Sitting down is getting easier.  I can be a little quicker about it and need less cushions.  I'm much better at getting in the car too.  Sitting on the floor at baby activities is less uncomfortable.  I'm still sitting on my side but I'm sure I'll be able to sit cross-legged eventually.  At least I can sit on the floor - all baby activities seem to involve it!

I saw the consultant again who examined me.  He can't yet confirm if I will need more surgery.  He did say the wound wasn't healing quite right and that my pelvic floor was very weak.  He applied what I think was called zinc oxide to the area which stung like anything!  Thankfully, as he'd promised, after a few hours it stopped stinging.  It was worth the pain as I've definitely felt better since then.

I've got to go for a scan to check how I'm healing internally and I've got to have some physiotherapy to improve my pelvic floor.  Apparently getting these appointments will take some time so he won't see my again now until August.  That feels like a long way away.  I hope I'm better by then!

Flynn and I started a new class this week - Tiny Talk - which is baby signing with BSL.  It's one of the classes I've wanted to do all along.  Our first session went well and I think we're both going to learn a lot.  It felt very different to my first Baby Sensory session when I was an emotional mess.  I'm definitely more together although I remain slightly intimidated by Mums with older babies as I must look like such a novice still!  I doubt that feeling ever goes away.

February - 3 month update - Addiction

I am now seriously concerned that I am going to become addicted to pain killers.  All I can think of is that Saved by The Bell episode where Jesse becomes addicted to caffeine pills.  I'm going to be like her but worse.  That's how these things start isn't it?  Pills because you need then and then suddenly, you can't live without them.  How will Flynn cope having a drug addicted Mother?  I felt like a Jeremy Kyle story waiting to happen.  At least you get paid when you go on that show.  I'd need the money for my drugs and to support me when I inevitably lost my job through my addiction.

I take painkillers all the time because I'm in pain all the time.  Will I be like this forever?  I know there is something about taking Ibroprofen and it damaging your gut which is why you eat when you take them.

I tried to decrease them this month as I'm concerned.  It turns out it's not that easy.  I was still in a lot of pain so have gone back to the maximum dose again.  I keep thinking "I can quit at any time" but that is exactly what a drug addict would say!

At one of my many doctors appointment I asked the GP who seemed quite amused by my concern over this.  He advised that if I was in pain I should take painkillers and that addiction to these things takes a lot longer than a few months to set in.  So I'm going to put my trust in the experts once again.

Fingers crossed for another try next month.

The good news for this month is that I can drive again.  I've not been able to as I can't sit normally in the car.  I've been sitting on my side as that's the most comfortable position so I haven't been able to sit in the drivers seat and operate the pedals.  With Mr T going back to work at the end of January I really needed to be able to drive.  I did a quick test around the block and am confident I can control the car and it's not painful.  I'm glad I have some independence again plus I can get Flynn around to the places he needs to go.

January - 2 month update - Jealousy

I think I hit rock bottom this month.

It all started when Flynn was due to start his Baby Sensory classes.  I had all sorts of plans when I was pregnant.  I wanted to do lots of activities with the baby - signing, swimming, sensory - anything that was going.  I felt having spent his first 6 weeks mainly at home that I had let him down somehow as I simply wasn't able to get out and about.  I'd managed the odd walk up and down the road and to the Post Office but physically things were hard.

So here I was with my 6 week old son ready to throw myself into giving Flynn as many exciting experiences as possible.  But first, I had a doctors appointment.  Another one in the long list of GP appointments and hospital visits.  I arrived at the doctors surgery having arranged to meet Mr T back at home afterwards and then go to Baby Sensory together as I still couldn't drive.  My GP was running behind.  I started to watch the clock and as the minutes ticked by the panic set in.  Would I make it to the class in time?  It wasn't looking hopeful.

I eventually was called in, examined and told I had yet another infection.  On top of this, the doctor thought I might need more surgery as I wasn't healing in the right way.  She would refer me back to the hospital.  I hadn't expected that.  At the most I thought I would get another prescription and be on my way.  More surgery?  Would I have to start from scratch again?  What would I do with Flynn?

I left the doctors and that's when it happened.  Rock bottom.  Baby Sensory started in 10 minutes.  I looked to get a cab but it would be at least a 10 minute wait.  I rang Mr T.  "Everything is awful.  I'm not going to make it to the class.   I'm just going  to go home.  I hate this.  I hate everything.  I might need more surgery.  I'll never be better!"  This was amongst floods of tears.  And this was a voicemail.  One that Mr T probably wasn't expecting and certainly won't forget in a hurry.  I think he still has it but I never want to listen to it.  He rang me back - the voice of reason - "it doesn't matter if you're late.  Just get a taxi and I'll meet you here shortly".  I wiped away my tears booked a taxi and waited.  The ten minutes gave me time to pull myself together.

I arrived at the Baby Sensory session and sat at the back.  Mr T called me over to take over on the mat with Flynn.  As I gingerly sat down all I could think looking around was how "together" all the other Mums were.  Were they judging me because I was late?  Did I look like I'd been crying?  Could they sense I was falling apart?  I held myself together for the session and a few Mums spoke to me afterwards.  They were surprised I was there with such a young baby.  They wouldn't have been out when their little ones were so young.  Really?!!!  I'd actually achieved something by doing a class with a 6 week old?  Even now the lady who runs the sessions often comments on how small Flynn was when he started but how he's gotten something out of it from the very first session when he watched everything happening around him.

I'm so glad Stephen made me go to that class.  And I'm so proud that I got out there and did that.  Looking back on it now and talking to other Mums I realise that most Mums aren't jollying around in the first few weeks after having a baby so I really hadn't let Flynn down.

December - 1 month - slow progress

A few months ago when I was interviewing people at work to cover my maternity leave, I had to ask a question to which I had no answer. The question was "what is your greatest achievement?"
Nothing sprang to mind.  I have qualifications and a job but none of it felt "outstanding". Lots of people have degrees, a job in television etc. What had I achieved with my life at the age of 34?

Only now can I answer that. My greatest achievement is Mr Flynn. It's as simple as that. I'm so proud of him even before he's able to hold his own head up!

But he's also the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's hard to know what the first few weeks of Flynn's life would have been like if I hadn't had a tear.  I guess I'll never know.  I'm sure no matter how your first child comes into the world, it still feels like a massive shock.  Life is broken down into 2-3 hour cycles of changing, feeding and sleeping and then running round trying to keep everything else together.

I'm in a lot of pain and taking the maximum amount of painkillers I can.  It turns out I have an infection and so I'm now on antibiotics.  The doctor has kindly given me some that I can still drink alcohol on as it's Christmas so that's a silver lining I suppose.  I may not be feeding Flynn myself but I'm still responsible for him so I won't be going crazy with booze.  It was nice to have a drink on Christmas Eve night though whilst we watched a festive film and Flynn slept.  I briefly felt "normal" again.

Sitting down is painful and I have a large array of cushions on the couch to help.  Putting my feet up helps with the pain.  By the end of the day, it hurts to walk so Mr T is doing a lot of the late night changes as I can't make it to the changing mat.  Thank goodness for Mr T who is currently responsible for all of us and the house.  I don't know how he's doing it.  I feel guilty but hope by resting now I will get better much more quickly.

I'm still wearing enormous post-pregnancy knickers and all my maternity wear.  I can't bear the thought of wearing anything remotely tight as I know it will hurt.  I'm living in leggings and pyjama bottoms but it's not like I'm out and about much.

I'm trying to do my pelvic floors but it feels so odd.  I can't even work out if I'm doing them properly as it all feels so odd down there.  But the word "incontinence" scares me so I'm persevering and hoping for the best.

It's hard to stay positive when there is no definite timeframe on when I will be "better".  I comfort myself by the fact that both Flynn and I are here and that Flynn himself is absolutely fine.  Not that many years ago neither one of us would have survived the birth.  So I try to stick with the positives of my lovely baby boy even when I miss the "old me" who didn't have all these problems.  Still, I know that eventually I will be 100% better and I really look forward to that.

The Science Bit

Long before all this, back in the hazy rose-tinted days of NCT classes I didn't really give much thought to what could happen when I gave birth.  I'd done the class where we covered all the different options - being induced, sweeps, caesareans, forceps delivery etc.  I kept thinking "I won't plan my labour too much as anything can happen" but in reality I didn't think things would turn out this way.

Maybe it was best that I was in the dark.  Certainly my friends who don't yet have children have pulled some faces when I've explained what happened to me.  I hope I haven't put them off.

It wasn't until after the birth that I learnt a lot about tears.  Who knew there were different degrees of tear?  Thankfully, my consultant actually gave me a handout to help explain it and for that I was very grateful.  So here is the information care of that handout.

What is a third or fourth degree tear?
This is a type of tear sustained during vaginal childbirth which involves the tissues of the vagina, the perineum and the structures around the anus.  If the tear involves the muscles around the anus, it is called a third degree tear; if it also involves the tissue on the inside of the anus, it is called a fourth degree tear.

Third and fourth degree tears happen to roughly 1 to 3% of women having a baby vaginally.  Factors such as having a venthouse or forceps delivery, having a baby weighing more than 8lbs or having a baby that is "back to back" at delivery increase the risk that you may have a third or fourth degree tear.  Often there is no particular reason identified.

How is a third or fourth degree tear treated?
Third and fourth degree tears are repaired in the operation theatre usually under a spinal/epidural anaesthetic.  You will be given antibiotics in the operating theatre and the layers of the tear will be stitched back together.  All of the stitches used will dissolve by themselves.  A catheter tube will be left in your bladder until the anaesthetic has worn off.

What will happen afterwards?
You should not need to be in hospital for more than 1 or 2 days.  After sustaining a third/fourth degree tear, we recommend treatment for a week with antibiotic tablets, plus stool softeners and laxatives for a minimum of two weeks to make it easier for you to open your bowels.  You will also be given pain relief to take home.  All of the medications that you will be given are safe to be taken when breastfeeding.  You will be seen by a physiotherapist, and we recommend that you perform regular pelvic floor exercises during the postnatal period.

You will be offered an appointment with a doctor 8 to 10 weeks following your delivery.  At this appointment, we will ask you some questions about your delivery and any bowel symptoms that you might have.  You will be examined to make sure that the perineum has healed properly.  You will also have the opportunity to discuss your delivery and ask any questions.

You may also be offered a specialised internal scan of the entrance to the back passage, which will allow us to confirm that the anal muscles have healed together adequately.  The scan may feel slightly uncomfortable but is not painful.

What are the long term effects of a third/fourth degree tear?
The majority of women (80%) recover well and have no problems at the three year point.  A small number of women may have problems at follow up with urgency (being unable to hang on and having to rush to the toilet to open the bowels) or being unable to control bowel motions or wind.  Most of the time, these problems will settle with measures such as physiotherapy.  A small proportion of women will need further treatment for bowel disturbances.

What will happen with future pregnancies?
The overall risk of having another third/fourth degree tear is 5%.

If you do not have any bowel symptoms and the muscle appears to be well healed, we would generally recommend aiming for a normal delivery in any future pregnancies.  However, any woman who has had a third/fourth degree tear is seen by a doctor in the antenatal clinic in subsequent pregnancies to discuss options.

Why this blog?

It was a cold and frosty night...that's how lots of stories start and its sort of how my child birth story starts.

My son was born on 30th November 2016 at 12:39pm.  My "birth plan", although never really formalised, was a water birth.  Following on from NCT classes, which talked about staying calm during labour, I thought a water birth would be great as I loved being in the water, especially in the later stage of pregnancy.  I went into labour on 29th November at 12:00pm on the way home from the supermarket.  I rang my husband and he came home from work.  We had a quiet afternoon, timing contractions on one of those apps, we watched a film, had a lie down and had a big meal of pasta ready to tackle what was to come.  As the contractions got stronger, I paced up and down the house, whilst my "upbeat labour" playlist went on in the background.  Just after midnight, we went to the hospital on what was "a cold and frosty night".

We got to the hospital and I wasn't far along at all.  (2cm!!)  I accepted some pethidine (not in my birth plan) and a bed on the ward.  Several hours later I was 7cm.  Hurray for me!  I was rocking this. Time to move to a delivery room and get in that bath.  And so I did with the gentle sounds of my "relaxing labour" playlist in the background.  I was calm, doing what came naturally, concentrating on one contraction then the next with the gas and air clutched in my hand.  Soon, the midwife reminded me what it was all for.  "You'll meet your baby soon".  "Of course!" I thought.  I was so busy concentrating I almost forgot what I would get at the end of this.  An hour and a half later of pushing and nothing.  No baby.  It was mid-morning.  There was nothing in the tank.  My husband tried to encourage me to find something to keep going by offering me some Jaffa Cake (part of our "lets pack high energy snacks for labour - like there was time for that!  Like I was hungry!).  "I need some help" I said.  I knew you could only push for 2 hours until there would be intervention and I clearly wasn't getting anywhere.

After a brief, blurry trip in a wheelchair from the birthing unit to the delivery suite of the hospital I was surrounded by people.  Doctors, nurses, midwives and goodness knows who else.  A doctor kept telling me "we're going to help you get the baby out" to which I would respond "so you're going to get the baby out?".  I felt as though we had that conversation several times over whilst a midwife held my hand, another nurse put a drip in my other and the world (and his wife) seemed to examine me.  Then the doctor administered some anaesthetic and a few seconds later I had a weird sensation.  "What was that?", I said.  "Your baby".  And then there he was, a bundle of warmth on top of me.  I was elated that he was here and he was okay, albeit with a nasty bruise on his head.  He was a ventouse delivery but what I hadn't realised until then was that my son, in his eagerness to see the world for the first time, had delivered face up instead of face down.  Babies are born face down for a reason.  If face up, the circumference of their head is much wider and thus if they don't come out this way they do damage.

I was soon to hear the words "third degree tear" and would become very familiar with them over the next 9 months.  After a few minutes holding my son, I was taken to surgery to remove the placenta which hadn't delivered and to repair the damage done during delivery.  It was as I lay on the table in surgery that I realised that things were pretty serious.  I was meant to be enjoying moments with my boys - my husband and son - my new family - the three of us.  But here I was, legs akimbo, exhausted, thirsty with wet hair (a mixture of water from the pool and my own "waters" (them having broken in there too - eeegh!)) surrounded by medical staff.  It was not what I had pictured.  I felt angry.  This wasn't how it was meant to be.

A few hours later and I was finally reunited with my son.  I'd been worried.  He would be hungry. Then there was skin-to-skin to think about.  They lay him next to me and he cuddled in.  It was okay.  He knew me and the tiny feet that used to kick me from the inside were now kicking me on the outside.

Afterwards, it was explained to me the nature of what had happened and why.  It was a third degree tear, I would need to be on a high fibre diet to avoid any straining down there as I had stitches, I'd lost  lot of blood so would be on iron supplements, I would need antibiotics to prevent infection too.  It would be painful and I would need painkillers.  I'd need laxatives too.  Wow.  Who knew that could happen?  What I didn't quite realise then was that it would be a long road to recovery.  I would need to be patient but that's hard when you have a new baby and need to be a Mum.  Internet research didn't seem to offer me much help or comfort and that's why I started this blog.  I didn't know anyone who had been through this and I felt very much alone.  I felt every other new Mum I knew was up and about, healthy and getting on with things whilst I could barely walk.  And so I want people in a similar situation to know that you are not alone, others have been through this and it does get better.  Welcome to "Love in the Third Degree".


.