A few months ago when I was interviewing people at work to cover my maternity leave, I had to ask a question to which I had no answer. The question was "what is your greatest achievement?"
Nothing sprang to mind. I have qualifications and a job but none of it felt "outstanding". Lots of people have degrees, a job in television etc. What had I achieved with my life at the age of 34?
Only now can I answer that. My greatest achievement is Mr Flynn. It's as simple as that. I'm so proud of him even before he's able to hold his own head up!
But he's also the hardest thing I've ever done.
It's hard to know what the first few weeks of Flynn's life would have been like if I hadn't had a tear. I guess I'll never know. I'm sure no matter how your first child comes into the world, it still feels like a massive shock. Life is broken down into 2-3 hour cycles of changing, feeding and sleeping and then running round trying to keep everything else together.
I'm in a lot of pain and taking the maximum amount of painkillers I can. It turns out I have an infection and so I'm now on antibiotics. The doctor has kindly given me some that I can still drink alcohol on as it's Christmas so that's a silver lining I suppose. I may not be feeding Flynn myself but I'm still responsible for him so I won't be going crazy with booze. It was nice to have a drink on Christmas Eve night though whilst we watched a festive film and Flynn slept. I briefly felt "normal" again.
Sitting down is painful and I have a large array of cushions on the couch to help. Putting my feet up helps with the pain. By the end of the day, it hurts to walk so Mr T is doing a lot of the late night changes as I can't make it to the changing mat. Thank goodness for Mr T who is currently responsible for all of us and the house. I don't know how he's doing it. I feel guilty but hope by resting now I will get better much more quickly.
I'm still wearing enormous post-pregnancy knickers and all my maternity wear. I can't bear the thought of wearing anything remotely tight as I know it will hurt. I'm living in leggings and pyjama bottoms but it's not like I'm out and about much.
I'm trying to do my pelvic floors but it feels so odd. I can't even work out if I'm doing them properly as it all feels so odd down there. But the word "incontinence" scares me so I'm persevering and hoping for the best.
It's hard to stay positive when there is no definite timeframe on when I will be "better". I comfort myself by the fact that both Flynn and I are here and that Flynn himself is absolutely fine. Not that many years ago neither one of us would have survived the birth. So I try to stick with the positives of my lovely baby boy even when I miss the "old me" who didn't have all these problems. Still, I know that eventually I will be 100% better and I really look forward to that.
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