September - 10 month update - Skinny jeans

I bet after the August update you didn't think there would be another but there is.  My journey didn't quite end in August, it actually finished in September.  I was still under the physio until the end of the month with one final appointment left.  It was the quickest appointment I've had related to my tear.  I was happy.  She was happy.  I answered the "any (toilet) problems" question AGAIN.  I'm pretty sure if I did have any of those problems I wouldn't wait until I was asked about them.  Anyway, she discharged me so now I am finally done with everything.

In the nicest way, I hope I never see any of those consultants, doctors, nurses, midwives or physios again.  Of course, if I have another baby I will be referred back to my consultant as they'll want to keep an eye on me and make sure I have a C-section.  Whether I'll have another I don't know.  It's nice to know that I won't go through a third degree tear again but a C-section is still major surgery so I still expect to have 6 weeks recovery time.  It wouldn't be easy although recovery time would be much shorter than this time round.  There's a lot to consider.  In any case, for now, I'm happy to concentrate on being a fully healed "normal" Mum for now.

We had our first proper family holiday this month.  Myself, Mr T and Flynn.  We had a lovely week up in Derbyshire with proper family time and lots of fun and firsts for Flynn.  I wore skinny jeans several days in a row and barely noticed.  How things have changed.

August - 9 month update - Discharge (not that kind)

Here I am.  Sitting in the hospital again, waiting for what may be my last appointment with the consultant.  I really hope so.  It's been a long 9 months but here I am.  I am back at the hospital where I had Flynn.  I'm sat in the same chair in the same waiting room where I sat with Flynn in his car seat ready to go home for the first time.  We've both come a long way since then.  Flynn can sit, smile, clap, high-5 and crawl.  I can also sit now.  This chair is much more comfortable 9 months on.

The consultant is running an hour behind and so I sit and wait.  I'm surrounded by new Mums and expected Mums.  Pregnant ladies with their brand new maternity notes folder with all this ahead of them.  I hope they don't go through what I did.

My name is called and it's time.  The consultant apologies at length but really I just want her to crack on with it.  Finally she does.  She has my scan results and feedback from my physio.  It all looks good.  I once again have to answer the question "have you had any (toilet) problems?  Accidents?".  And for the thousandth time I answer no.  "Well then I think we can discharge you".

Who'd have thought that the word "discharge" could bring so much joy to someone.

I am elated.  I feel I can carry on with life as a Mum now and finally put the birth experience behind me.  I look forward to it becoming a dim and distant memory - just like labour now is.  It's funny reading back some of the earlier stuff on the blog.  I was pretty traumatised by what happened to me but I tried to put a brave face on it as that's what we do.  Writing this has helped process it all and it's nice to be at this end of it now.

Of course, I'll still continue to do my pelvic floor exercises.  I'll be doing them for the rest of my life in fear of incontinence.  It's recommended anyway that you do regular exercise of the pelvic floor muscles.  Like all muscles they need exercise to work well so you should maintain regular exercise throughout life not just if you've had a child.  But hey, that's any easy task to do.  It takes 5 minutes before bed each evening and will be more than worth it in the long run.  I've spent enough money on maternity pads and sanitary towels since having Flynn, I won't want to spend money in the future on Tena Lady.

And on that note, I end this months blog!

July - 8 month update - Big Brother is watching

Back to the physio this month to see how I'm improving.

Everytime I lay on a table with various medics examining me "down there" I always joke "who would have a baby?!'  But the thing is you don't know about all this stuff before you have one.  No-one talks about it.  I see why.  If everyone knew maybe people would stop having babies.  Sure, you know everyone is going to be down at the business end when you are in labour and you know the world and his wife will see you breastfeeding but it's checking on stitches etc that I hadn't expected.  The good thing is that post-birth, you sort of don't care anymore.  Everyone has seen it and if they haven't they've seen a million people like you before.  Nothing shocks them.  After my surgery post-birth, I had several staff members look at the surgeons work, turn their heads to one side in unison and then all agree he'd done a good job.  Talk about surreal moments!

Anyway, I was at the physio and she was checking on my pelvic floor which I'd been working on and it all felt surreal.  I'd taken Flynn with me and he was fast asleep in his pram.  There I am half naked, with a random woman examining me.  There is a reason children don't have any really early memories - Flynn would be damaged for life.  He woke up during my examination but didn't seem flustered.  So I lay there talking to him whilst doing pelvic floors - all in a days work for a multitasking Mum!

The good news is that the physio said I'm showing improvement.  Thank goodness!  It's taken long enough.  I just need to keep going and do 10 long exercises (10 seconds) and 10 short every night.  Perfectly doable.

June - 7 month update - can I have a drum roll please...

So I've been working hard on my pelvic floors with the physio and using the coconut oil which all seems to be going well.  I have days now where I forget about it all and that's really nice (until the evening when I have to do exercises etc).

But all this may be for nothing if I have to have more surgery.  I'd be right back to square one again.  Mr T and I have a gut feeling that I won't.  Im not in pain and I'm having no (toilet) accidents - all good signs right?

All these thoughts flooded through my head as I sat in the hospital waiting for my scan.  I didn't know what to expect, what the results would be or when I would get them.  I saw a lovely doctor who put me right at ease.  Well, as at ease as you can be when confronted by the scanner she was going to put up "there".  She said "this will take about a minute".  I took her at her word and begin to count.  If she ran a second over I would not be impressed.  True to her word it was less than a minute and although uncomfortable wasn't actually painful.

I got myself dressed and she immediately began to talk me through what she had seen.  She pulled out a diagram - never a good sign in my books - and told me I did have some damage at "2 o'clock" but with good pelvic floor I could avoid any problems in future.  "So no surgery?" I asked.  She said no!  She said further surgery could actually make it worse but I would have to have a C-section if and when I had another child.  I could have hugged her.  If I do have another child I certainly wouldn't want to be worried about all this happening again.  She suggested I wait another couple of months before I went ahead with another pregnancy?  Had she read my notes??!!  "I'm only just getting over this one, I have no plans for another".  And with a very big thank you for the good news I left.  Having had potential surgery hanging over me since January it was good to know that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

May - 6 month update - Pain free?

A few months ago, I didn't think this day would come.

I have had a run of several days with no pain.  No pain at all!  Not a slight twitch, nothing!  I didn't think that would ever be possible again.

It's now hard to remember what those early months were like when every movement caused pain.  When, by the end of the day I couldn't walk as it hurt so much.  How far I've come.  The human body is amazing really.  The human brain might be the most amazing as those early months are a blur to me in the same way that labour is.  It's probably for the best.

I'm still being careful.  Not going overboard on lots of walking or activities that might make things uncomfortable again but I think I can start relaxing about that now.  I may soon be able to wear skinny jeans!

Part of this is due to time and healing but the rest is thanks to my physiotherapist.  I had my first visit to see her.  She assessed that my pelvic floor was still, in fact, very weak (so all the work I had done hadn't paid off).  Apparently it's better to do a few good quality exercises rather than try and do loads during the day when my mind would be concentrating on doing other things e.g. feeding Flynn.  It would also be better to do them lying down.  We practiced some whilst I was there so she could feel I was doing them correctly.  It turns out what I had been doing was too much and I needed to be much more relaxed.

She also advised that I start using coconut oil on my scar to help with the pain and it really has helped.  Rubbing coconut oil on there every night has helped it feel less tight and uncomfortable there thus the pain free days.  Sure, it feels a bit weird but if she'd have suggested I eat 100 coconuts to make the pain go away I would have done it.

April - 5 month update - Drug free!

This month has been an appointment free month which is nice.  That makes me feel more normal.   It's annoying either having to ferry Flynn to appointments with me or to arrange childcare.  I don't like having him at hospitals unnecessarily.  I worry he'll pick something up there.

So I'm working on my pelvic floor in anticipation of my physio session.  I figure if I do some every time I feed Flynn then I'm going to be doing them 6 times a day.  They say try and do them when you're doing something else so you remember.  I'm trying my best in the hope that I will have improved by the time I see the physio.

Pain-wise, it's manageable and I'm off the painkillers now.  I'm no longer living in fear of becoming caffeine addicted Jesse from Saved by the Bell.  I'm back to my drug free Jesse self (with less hair).  I can stop buying a couple of packets of paracetamol every time I go through the checkout at Aldi on my regular nappy runs.

I've also finally done something I thought I would have done sooner.  I've packed away all my maternity clothes and the big post-pregnancy knickers.  Finally, I have my old wardrobe back which sort of feels like my new wardrobe as it's been so long since I wore my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I'm still avoiding the skinny jeans for now but at least I'm no longer in "Bloomin' marvellous" leggings anymore.  I'm not quite back in the shape that I was pre-pregnancy but do you know what, I had a baby and a third degree tear - I needed cake and chocolate.  I had both (plus my high fibre diet of course) and it made me happy.  I'm in no rush to get on a diet or anything - there are more important things right now.

March - 4 month update - There's a light at the end of the tunnel..

No longer do I fear becoming a drug addict.  I've slowly started to cut down on the pain killers.  It's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago that just wasn't possible.  I'm having less in the daytime and then a normal amount in the evening as that's when the pain is at it's worst.

I am not constantly in pain.  Sitting down is getting easier.  I can be a little quicker about it and need less cushions.  I'm much better at getting in the car too.  Sitting on the floor at baby activities is less uncomfortable.  I'm still sitting on my side but I'm sure I'll be able to sit cross-legged eventually.  At least I can sit on the floor - all baby activities seem to involve it!

I saw the consultant again who examined me.  He can't yet confirm if I will need more surgery.  He did say the wound wasn't healing quite right and that my pelvic floor was very weak.  He applied what I think was called zinc oxide to the area which stung like anything!  Thankfully, as he'd promised, after a few hours it stopped stinging.  It was worth the pain as I've definitely felt better since then.

I've got to go for a scan to check how I'm healing internally and I've got to have some physiotherapy to improve my pelvic floor.  Apparently getting these appointments will take some time so he won't see my again now until August.  That feels like a long way away.  I hope I'm better by then!

Flynn and I started a new class this week - Tiny Talk - which is baby signing with BSL.  It's one of the classes I've wanted to do all along.  Our first session went well and I think we're both going to learn a lot.  It felt very different to my first Baby Sensory session when I was an emotional mess.  I'm definitely more together although I remain slightly intimidated by Mums with older babies as I must look like such a novice still!  I doubt that feeling ever goes away.

February - 3 month update - Addiction

I am now seriously concerned that I am going to become addicted to pain killers.  All I can think of is that Saved by The Bell episode where Jesse becomes addicted to caffeine pills.  I'm going to be like her but worse.  That's how these things start isn't it?  Pills because you need then and then suddenly, you can't live without them.  How will Flynn cope having a drug addicted Mother?  I felt like a Jeremy Kyle story waiting to happen.  At least you get paid when you go on that show.  I'd need the money for my drugs and to support me when I inevitably lost my job through my addiction.

I take painkillers all the time because I'm in pain all the time.  Will I be like this forever?  I know there is something about taking Ibroprofen and it damaging your gut which is why you eat when you take them.

I tried to decrease them this month as I'm concerned.  It turns out it's not that easy.  I was still in a lot of pain so have gone back to the maximum dose again.  I keep thinking "I can quit at any time" but that is exactly what a drug addict would say!

At one of my many doctors appointment I asked the GP who seemed quite amused by my concern over this.  He advised that if I was in pain I should take painkillers and that addiction to these things takes a lot longer than a few months to set in.  So I'm going to put my trust in the experts once again.

Fingers crossed for another try next month.

The good news for this month is that I can drive again.  I've not been able to as I can't sit normally in the car.  I've been sitting on my side as that's the most comfortable position so I haven't been able to sit in the drivers seat and operate the pedals.  With Mr T going back to work at the end of January I really needed to be able to drive.  I did a quick test around the block and am confident I can control the car and it's not painful.  I'm glad I have some independence again plus I can get Flynn around to the places he needs to go.

January - 2 month update - Jealousy

I think I hit rock bottom this month.

It all started when Flynn was due to start his Baby Sensory classes.  I had all sorts of plans when I was pregnant.  I wanted to do lots of activities with the baby - signing, swimming, sensory - anything that was going.  I felt having spent his first 6 weeks mainly at home that I had let him down somehow as I simply wasn't able to get out and about.  I'd managed the odd walk up and down the road and to the Post Office but physically things were hard.

So here I was with my 6 week old son ready to throw myself into giving Flynn as many exciting experiences as possible.  But first, I had a doctors appointment.  Another one in the long list of GP appointments and hospital visits.  I arrived at the doctors surgery having arranged to meet Mr T back at home afterwards and then go to Baby Sensory together as I still couldn't drive.  My GP was running behind.  I started to watch the clock and as the minutes ticked by the panic set in.  Would I make it to the class in time?  It wasn't looking hopeful.

I eventually was called in, examined and told I had yet another infection.  On top of this, the doctor thought I might need more surgery as I wasn't healing in the right way.  She would refer me back to the hospital.  I hadn't expected that.  At the most I thought I would get another prescription and be on my way.  More surgery?  Would I have to start from scratch again?  What would I do with Flynn?

I left the doctors and that's when it happened.  Rock bottom.  Baby Sensory started in 10 minutes.  I looked to get a cab but it would be at least a 10 minute wait.  I rang Mr T.  "Everything is awful.  I'm not going to make it to the class.   I'm just going  to go home.  I hate this.  I hate everything.  I might need more surgery.  I'll never be better!"  This was amongst floods of tears.  And this was a voicemail.  One that Mr T probably wasn't expecting and certainly won't forget in a hurry.  I think he still has it but I never want to listen to it.  He rang me back - the voice of reason - "it doesn't matter if you're late.  Just get a taxi and I'll meet you here shortly".  I wiped away my tears booked a taxi and waited.  The ten minutes gave me time to pull myself together.

I arrived at the Baby Sensory session and sat at the back.  Mr T called me over to take over on the mat with Flynn.  As I gingerly sat down all I could think looking around was how "together" all the other Mums were.  Were they judging me because I was late?  Did I look like I'd been crying?  Could they sense I was falling apart?  I held myself together for the session and a few Mums spoke to me afterwards.  They were surprised I was there with such a young baby.  They wouldn't have been out when their little ones were so young.  Really?!!!  I'd actually achieved something by doing a class with a 6 week old?  Even now the lady who runs the sessions often comments on how small Flynn was when he started but how he's gotten something out of it from the very first session when he watched everything happening around him.

I'm so glad Stephen made me go to that class.  And I'm so proud that I got out there and did that.  Looking back on it now and talking to other Mums I realise that most Mums aren't jollying around in the first few weeks after having a baby so I really hadn't let Flynn down.